Had another low few days, so haven’t gotten around to writing although hope to get some new things up soon. I went for a run on monday after missing didsbury runners because I saw something shitty and transphobic in the news. Despair washed over me. I wrote about it on facebook, which is where I sometimes scream.
“I was just about to go to Didsbury runners then read this. Citing a single case of assault, the government is telling everyone that all trans women are men. It disturbs me that people don’t speak out against transphobia, feels like this is incubating transphobia. Meanwhile trans women are dying in mens prisons. When I die feel free to drop me down a manhole, just another tranny after all, who gives a fuck.”
It was dark and I didn’t want to stay in all day, its a horrible feeling. I went out and let some stress out on the run, headtorch down the river and through the woods, back upriver, through more woods and around a waterpark.
On the way back I was distracted in my mind and had time to notice my foot hadn’t hit the cround, before it twisted horribly and made a cracking noise, then the rest of me smashed into the floor. Pain washed over me. It was freezing, I was wearing a hoody (something I need to do more when running) so I needed to get moving or call for help.
After cursing the ground and sky and all their lineage for 20 seconds I tried walking. It was painful. After a while though it subsided a bit so carried on, I would walk home but it would be cold.
The pain kept decreasing so I tried running, it was too painful at first so I stopped but then I found I could jog without much pain. That simplified things a lot. I managed to limp jog the 3k back home and had a shower and started the ice pressure and elevation. It is swollen still but not very painful. The tendons are going to be weak for a while but I should be able to keep running I hope. Nothing will stop me from the marathon if I am still here to do it.
Sorry, I don’t think I can take a flattering picture of a swollen ankle!
The good news was that I felt great during the run. The day before I had to cut a long run short as my legs were mysteriously like jelly, the difference was massive. This has happened before but I can usually put it down to something. Poor food, worked too hard day before, not enough rest etc. I was socialising on Saturday and that does take a lot out of me so maybe it is why.
Need to tell the story behind the necklace
Thank you to everyone who has donated to the LGBT foundation. I am extremely grateful for your support.
Things were looking good this week in terms of the injury. Leg was a little tender on Monday and Tuesday but after then it seems fine. I have also been quite lazy. Only going to the gym once! So this week I intend to finally get an official training plan.
Mentally things have been bad. I had to get some help so went to the GP and he prescribed me Mirtazapine. I needed help with my thoughts and to get to sleep. The pills did work and provided some much needed relief but are a little too powerful and had some bad side effects. I will show you what happened and the effects they seem to have had on parkrun and my resting heart rate. They tend to leave me feeling quite dizzy and clumsy for 24 hours.
This is all a little complicated by the fact I am doing my own HRT, I have no help coming from the NHS nor will my GP check my bloods.
Currently as I write this I’m having the withdrawal effects from the Mirtazapine, something I am unfortunately familiar with, but surprising after just 2 pills with a day off in between. I figure they feel more powerful since I have been off alcohol so long, and the only time I was on them was when I was drinking. The withdrawal effects are hard to explain, currently it is like my skull is groaning like a ships hull as it is crushed in ice. Whenever my heart beats I can hear and feel it in my ear a bit like my ear is letting out gas (it isn’t, don’t worry) but if I am concentrating on something else it isn’t as noticeable which is nice. That is probably why I am up at 1:15 AM writing this. So…………
RUNNING!!!!
Monday, I went again with Didsbury Runners, I decided to go on the shorter route this time at 8 minute miles. As I run there 2.5k and back I didnt want to do too much with my leg still a little dodgy. It was nice to meet everyone though and got in 10.2k overall. Apparently it was the largest turnout of Didsbury Runners, which is impressive in the cold.
Tuesday I went to the gym, I think I did an hour on the crosstrainer and came back home.
Wednesday is the day I went to the GP, I didn’t accomplish anything else and took the 1st mirtazapine that night. It got me to sleep so well that I slept for 14 hours, only waking up once for the toilet and getting back to sleep quickly. Usually the past few weeks that has kept me up for another 2 hours at least. Sleep is very important for recovery so this was good for running too.
Thursday, I went to a running injury prevention (unfortunate acronym) event at a private hospital nearby. It was free and one of the Didsbury runners had linked to it on Facebook. There was free food and the even was interesting. First 2 lectures on running injury prevention, which had a lot of new information and I will be looking in more detail. Especially surprised to hear that the current consensus is that stretching and sports massages have no effect on reducing injury risk. Conflicts what I have been practising and preaching here so look forwards to reading into that. Instead they said current advice is to do dynamic stretching and warmup. It does seem like the Spire hospital has a crack team of running specialists. They also showed evidence that running actually reduces the risk of getting bad joints as you age.
Afterwards there were practical exercise session where we did a bit of physio led pilates, which was new to me and some other workouts to help stay injury free. A lot of this I have seen variations of, including buildin up core and activating glutes aswell as improving balance or proprioceprtion, to keep the knees and joints steady as you run so as to avoid injury. All good stuff. Aparently I am good at single leg squats 🙂
I decided to run to this even on thursday and afterwards went for a longish run. I found after a few k I couldnt quite keep up with my old power, something I am blaming entirely on the Mirtazapine. I also had a stomach problem on the run, which I dont usually get fortunately, blame that on the meds too eh?
Thats when I looked at my resting heart rate. It has risen quite high due to all the transphobia related stress from media and online. Usually I expect it to be in the low 40’s when I am training but the day after mirtazapine it spiked low. What us computer chess nerds call a moob.
Resting HR moobing after taking meds
Also I should point out that 47 and above is high for me, this is what I would expect if I was overtraining and what I was seeing late into training for the Manchester marathon last year. Usually my Resting HR is below 45 during training, when I have stopped training due to injury or before a race it goes to below 40 once I got down to 32 for 1 day.
So I believe my resting heart rate is high due to the anxiety I am having, which I can believe, I can feel it pounding most of the day and it is racing at night as my mind goes over things. So its not surprising the drugs reduced it, because after taking them I felt dulled. I didn’t feel good, I just didn’t really feel, and it was a big relief. I do think there was a further reduction due to the drug itself though. Mainly because that is what I want to blame my poor runs on, the one on thursday and also parkrun.
Saturday, I went to parkrun. After taking the mirtazapine I fell asleep at about 9, unheard of for me. I woke up on time but felt very unsteady due to the drugs. They make me feel a bit like being drunk I suppose but not fun, for example when trying to type I often miss the key I am aiming for, I cant focus my eyes quite so well, etc, this lasts for about 24 hours after taking them. I decided to go anyway, If people were volunteering I had better go! I ran hard and tried to get a PB but it just wasn’t in me, and I am definitely blaming the mirtazapine so there! I still did it in around 21:45 and thanks to Kim for adding me to the results after my barcode seemed to have failed.
So I have been calming myself without drugs and doing some writing, it has been partially successful!
Running video coming soon, and more on my own C25k journey.
Hope everyone is doing well, it has been lovely hearing from people who have started C25K because of my blog, let me know how you are getting on and lots of love to everyone!!!!!!
A completely unrelated photo. Do you like my glasses?
This one is a bit late, this week was extremely difficult regarding my transition. After a 17 month wait I had my first appointment at the Leeds Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) on Tuesday, which ended up being a triage so I can see a Dr and get help. Now I’m in another waiting list to see the Dr… which will take “12 months maybe more”. My GP wont give me a bridging prescription for HRT and I felt very close to cracking. Will write more about this and what I plan to do separately.
My running has reduced this week. I can feel shin splints beginning in my left leg so taking it easy. Because of this I also went to the Withington Physio to get a sports massage on Friday. They are so nice there and despite not seeing me for months they remembered me and correctly gendered me which was awesome. Recommended to any other LGBT people in Didsbury/Withington area
One of my problems is that my flat is cold most of the time so once I get back from a run I find it very hard to do my usual foam rolling and stretching. This has meant that knots are building up and my muscles are getting stiffer. A sports massage is a good way to help with that, loosening up the muscles and getting the blood flow back to help them recover properly.
Week 3 has therefore been mostly cross training at the gym. I went 5 times and run there and back which adds 1k of running every time. Wednesday I did an hour on the treadmill at the gym with an uphill bit at the end.
I was feeling so lousy and had so little sleep that I missed parkrun on Saturday, which made me feel worse as my running club was doing a parkrun in blue event to raise money for Mind. (Blue Monday)
Sunday I went for a 9k run to celebrate a huge show of solidarity for trans people that spontaneously happened online. After transphobic tweeter Graham Linehan who once wrote Father Ted, petitioned the national lottery to revoke funding for transgender childrens charity Mermaids. A youtuber hbomberguy started a charity stream playing Donkey Kong 64 to completion. He expected to raise around $5,000 however the outpouring of support surprised everyone. In the end raising over $345,000 for Mermaids. The CEO of mermaids joined in at times and talked of how she kept suicide watch over her daughter and why it inspired her to make sure no other parents or children had to suffer in the same way. Later in the stream famous people were coming on to support trans rights including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who won the biggest upset victory in the US 2018 midterm-election. Despite this Graham continues to lie, telling his followers that Mermaids gives untested drugs to children. Mermaids provides support groups, I honestly feel he would prefer trans children to commit suicide rather than get support from Mermaids.
During the stream #ThankyouGraham and #Mermaids trended globally on twitter for unwittingly raising awareness of transphobia and mermaids. This has been the biggest outpour of pro trans sentiment I have ever seen, it was so promising and I was so close to breaking point from transphobia and lack of anything from NHS.
It also got me to go on a run to celebrate feeling OK for the first time in about 3 weeks. Up until this weekend I haven’t been able to go for 10 minutes without all the horrible transphobia going through my mine, like having an imaginary conversation with a TERF, then catching myself doing it. I wake up at night for a wee and then it happens again, my heart races and I can’t get back to sleep. It has truly been horrible.
So that covers week 3, disappointing from the running standpoint but I will get through. Fitness wise I feel good, the break from running over Christmas has improved me somehow, Its just a shame I seem to be getting injured again. More cross-trainer this week. I also want to make another running video!
Here is the link to my fundraising page please help if you can donate.
In a complete surprise, I recently got into the London Marathon, I still can’t believe it. I will be running to raise money for the LGBT foundation, please consider donating on my virginmoney giving page:
It has been a huge blessing as it is something constructive to work on, and also to use all the negative energy I get for being trans in a positive way. It is also a huge honour to run for the LGBT foundation.
All the times I go on twitter, all the times I walk down the street and people look at me and then down with a look of disgust on their face, as if to say, “I am not impressed, look at what you are wearing” all the times people whisper to their partner when they see me coming and I hear them laughing at me as I walk past, all the crap on the news… Fuel for the fire!!!!!
Post crosstrainer world record earlier in week :p
I keep saying it is a surprise and it really is. To show how popular the London Marathon has become, this year 21 members of Didsbury Runners, including myself, entered the ballot. Out of 21 of us, 0 got in, nought, zero!
So how did this happen? I attend events at the LGBT foundation for transgender and nonbinary and questioning people, it has helped a lot even before I had come out, and it helps a lot now to meet people and be somewhere with people who understand, to get advice and friendship. People who know me know I don’t leave the house under any circumstances, unless its a run, and I will get my shopping on the way back from a run if I am particularly low. So the fact I go to these events shows they are useful. At the end of October I was very down, due to all the transphobic media around trans people and the GRA consultation, by the way, the media never let up since then unfortunately. I read an article published by the LGBT foundation, called the harm of trans misrepresentation.
I was so happy that somebody somewhere was on our side. I was feeling annoyed, depressed and powerless at the time and wanted to help in any way I could so I wrote an email to the LGBT foundation to ask if they had any charity places. I expected not and indeed they had all been assigned.
But a few weeks later I got an email saying that Virgin Money Manchester Lounge had organised extra places for the LGBT foundation, and would I still like to run for them? It can take me years to send an email or reply to text messages but it didn’t take long for this one.
I have also been contacted by Virgin Money Manchester Lounge and they are going to help me with fund raising in the new year.
It is all good news, I thank you everyone who has already donated and please donate if you can, the LGBT foundation are kick ass!!!!
I am thinking of things to do, should I do training runs in a costume to help raise money? I will look for a unicorn running outfit 😀
I am still doing crosstrainer world records at the gym, it turns out that I may indeed have broken one of the machines, as it has no resistance any more, hence why I could so 1470 calories. But yesterday I was on it, burning up a lot of hate from the streets and the internet, kicking ass, and doing it for the LGBT foundation and managed to get 1396 calories in 60 minutes, so I am tantalisingly close to getting 1400. It was extremely hard! I am running it on max resistance and If you really step on the gas you can add about 1 to 1.5 cal per minute, so something in me is getting fitter since I have gone from 20 cal/min average to 23.3 cal/min average for 1 hour.
Was on 1396 cal at the 60 min mark, so close… I am dying at this point
As for running………
My foot is feeling a lot better! It is still sore at times but after doing the crosstrainer world record, I did a run!!! My first one in 4 weeks and 2 days. It was only for 600m, I did it carefully on the treadmill and my foot held up. Everything feels unusual but it wont take long to get back in the rhythm. My Strava training log is very bare looking 😦 it barely even registers as a blob! I have been doing a lot of crosstrainer world records in the mean time!
If you had told me I wouldnt run for 5 weeks after the bolton abbey half I wouldnt have believed you, I felt fine. Also wouldnt believe I’d be in the London Marathon.
Because I only found out about the London Marathon whilst injured, All my runs this side of the injury will count as training. So my total mileage is currently 600m, many more to come but slow and steady.
I will keep you all updated regarding mileage, hope to get a nice total before the race. The key I have realised is not to get injured before the marathon!! :p
I have had other nice things happen which I hope to share soon.
You can see from my running log that something is going on… I have got exciting running news, but wanted to write about this first. The last red blob was the Bolton Abbey half. On the Wednesday after I was on a slow recovery run and a pain in my right foot built up about half way through, I had to limp home in the cold.
It had swollen up and I found it hard to walk. After a weeks rest to get better I saw the GP thinking maybe something was broken and I had a few other things to talk about.
Anyway, I got an x-ray and they didn’t think it was a fracture. It could be but the type of fracture might not show up this early. Given an examination though they reckoned it was not a break.
I got compensation straight away, as I really enjoyed marshalling with someone at the new Fletcher Moss Parkrun. By the way, there is now a Parkrun at Fletcher Moss!
To try not going more mad that usual I have joined the gym, and manage to use the cross-trainer without effecting the foot too much. I have been enjoying that but worried I am now too good for the machine, I was going for a PB on Wednesday and the machine just turned off, I lost all the progress. I did another few minutes at the same level and it turned off again… I guess that is quite cool and if true gives me some bragging rights. But would prefer it to work 🙂 Maybe I need to move onto the bike but I always find that really boring and un-motivating in the gym. It has been hard not being able to walk either, as a walk with an audiobook helps just getting out of the flat.
Also thanks to my friend Sam who gave me a pair of crutches, which really come in handy! I seem to get to a point where I can walk fine, like yesterday, but then pay for it when I get back.
I also got lucky in the fact that the World Chess Championship was on as I was injured.
I haven’t been too good mentally the last few weeks but it hasn’t been because of the injury, I know I’ve let a few people down.. Overall I have managed this injury much better than before. It hasn’t got to me as bad. As the injury drags on I am getting more worried but nothing too bad. One trick was joining the gym sooner, a lesson I learned from my previous injuries when I always wished I had done it quicker. I think having the 3 HM’s 1 month apart was quite stressful for me so a rest physically and mentally from running should be a good thing, especially when I tell you what I am doing next!
Sans Shoelaces 