Rubbish Day

Signed up to a clinical trial and was going in today for the appointment. It’s a long way there and was supposed to be payed but the PI told me she wanted to see notes from the mental health team to make sure I am “stable”. In the end I have travelled for about 4 hours and had no sleep and got £2.40 for transport.. So wasn’t worth it at all I actually lost money. Wish they had just told me over the phone.

Lots of people tend to stare at me and sometimes just laugh at me and it is really bothering me. I am really tired of it.

To try and distract myself and invent a new hobby I’ve been painting (ahem .. by numbers…) and learning to draw. Want to make a site logo for Sans Shoelaces and just find something constructive to do. Also I wrote up a short version of my story and submitted it to Like the Wind. Its about me finding myself, losing weight and giving up alcohol through running. Running at the minute is the only stable thing in my life.

I was also looking at applying for jobs, I just get so anxious, I’ve had it my whole life and don’t know why nobody did anything about it. I hated school because of it and work has always been clinging on on the border of panic attack. Last night just knowing I had this clinical trial appointment I was up till about 3:30 worrying about it and just kept waking up. But of course I am completely “stable”, for the record.

I was supposed to see my CPN (phsychiatric nurse) 2 weeks ago and it happens a lot where they just don’t show up. Or send me a text saying “are you still OK to see me at “X” time” where X is completely different to the time we agreed. So I just get to feeling that nobody gives a shit. I waited in all day as usual and haven’t heard anything, I got a private call but missed it and that might have been them, but that was a week later.

What should I do right now? Mindfulness, distractions, music, look at things in a different way. What do I want to do now? Tear everything up and dissapear. What will probably happen, something in between, driving people further away from me.

I have a run to do today which is good. I’m falling asleep and its 3:20PM as got no sleep and had nightmares all night. Usually as I am about to drop off I hear a screaming or cracking or gunshot right in my room which brings me back to full alert. I have no Idea how I stay in bed but its not exactly helpful in getting to sleep as you can imagine. Have got the Sale Sizzler tomorrow and looking forward to it, will be my first chip timed 5k and hope to get a PB, anxious about getting there, will probably not sleep tonight.