Two weeks ago I came out in general on facebook and here. I want to write about how it has changed my feelings and confidence, mainly because it has, and because I didn’t think it would.
Before though I cant say how much I appreciate all the positive responses I got. People seem genuinely happy for me and I hope in the future everyone who does the same as me will have a happy response like that, rather than a “this is a problem we can get through” response, or complete rejection and hostility, which many trans people still face from friends family and employers.
I also posted to Didsbury runners and had an overwhelming response. It was after going to Didsbury runners wearing a running bra and nobody batting an eyelid that I decided to force myself to wear only female clothes that I want to wear for a week. I was hoping it would give me some confidence and save time questioning how I would go out. It worked! The next day I met Sophie as I was out walking and she was really happy to see me. It was like fate because I never see anyone I know when I go out walking. I knew I was changed because as she approached me I thought how odd it was that I WASN’T thinking “oh god I should be feeling like I need to disappear right now” instead I felt relieved. Yes my reflexive thoughts sometimes get quite meta – thinking about not thinking about what I usually would think about e.t.c…. Anyway, it turned out to be an interesting week, including the BBC, I went to another group, Cafe Diagnosis where I had started creative writing and they were also great about it and have been supporting me with it.
I should write about that week at some point. But that’s another story.
Since getting the awesome response I did, I have lost a lot of uncertainty about the path I am going down, and that was completely unexpected, but its been nice not having it. Such doubts are common among transgender people I know. I expect doubts to come back but I don’t miss them in any way. I really feel a lot more relaxed about the whole thing, which is pretty impressive considering I don’t have a bath in my flat. Also now I can put this picture up – my favourite picture of me running, and I can talk about other running stuff more freely. It could be an interesting year depending on what happens and I would like to document the running side. So thankyou Emma Simms for taking that photo!
I have also been super low the last 2 weeks, I think because of things that happened when I was young, when something good happens I always wait for something to come along and make me guilty for feeling good. And wait for a disaster to happen. When you start looking for fire you will always find smoke. I don’t know if I made that saying up, I’m sure I heard it before. A few things did happen I suppose but nothing to do with being transgender and no disasters.
I am looking at changing my name legally too, I will do another post soon as I am going to get the deed poll all sorted and then finalise it, it won’t be Jo any more, but I cant change my facebook name again for about 46 days, so facebook will be wrong again. It’s all free to do. Looking forwards to other changes happening in the future which is nice and I will let you know what’s going on in terms of running. My next race is the Manchester Half Marathon on the 14th October. Looking to beat the time from the Great North Run.
Love you all!!! X
P.S. Oh talking about changes, google sent me this photo of me from 3 years ago today. Glad to be out of the long sleeves too!